Well i no not many people will read this...but for me its a little way to reach out to my self and get my feelings out.

all i ask my self lately is what the fuck?

fallen out with alot of people who have ment alot to me...im coming to terms with the fact i need to give up my dream and focus on the bigger picture.

all i want in my life is to be a pro footballer. I want this more than anything...and iv come so close nd just missed out. and now im putting my life based on this. always tell my self "desire means to never quit" but for a footballer u need to be a certain age if u wana be noticed....im getting past that.

at college iv fallen out with alot of close friends. 1 of them who ment alot to me. i even started to put her over my own girlfriend...she ment that much to me...i cud of loved this woman...but i cudnt see things the way they are. i wanted everything i asked for in the world...and because i cant have it i cant handle things. im losing my self, goin off the tracks...because of this we now hate each other and game have being played. i really liked her...its killed me really....im pretty much over her now...but i sacrifised alot to reach my dreams...and i dont realise the ppl im hurting along the way...the lives im killing the hurt iv caused...all because i want the perfect life! all becuase i hate the word no...taking people for granted making them feel low. all of this because i want to fulfil my dreams.

others have dreams 2...i dont see their lives around this...it seems to be just me...because i wana achieve so much i dont care about the people around me and this isnt me. Im changing...and im coming to realise i cant handle my self anymore. i cant keep my self calm or on the tracks.

i have a girlfriend who i love more than anything on this earth...her names nikki. and iv tret her so bad really. i finished her cuz things wasnt workin out and i just tret her like a cunt.

i had a friend called emma (the one who i was crazy over) no shes gone and we're arguein and i no iv lost her this time...she made me so happy and she was a great laff a awsum person to be round. she ment the world to me. and i took her for granted...i didnt no she wanted me and because of the hardcore tit i am....i let my self get in the way of us being friends never mind anything else.

i have a friend called shaun...some of u may no him MAW hes called on here....the guy who's stood by me no matter what...wether im right or wrong....and because of my self iv tret him like a total cunt and cant begin to imagine how iv made that poor guy feel. he's a great friend and i want him to some day realise this. But we are driving apart...we are growing further and further away. maybe this is a good thing if we are to stay friends...i no how he's being hurt in the past....and im proving his thoughts right at the mo.

it makes me wounder bout how many ppl do i have to sacrifise to be happy?

NONE!

the more people i lose the weaker i feel. with these people by my side it makes me strong and who i am...without them im a nobody!

im losing faith in my self....and my friends are losing it in me....every one is losing faith in me.....i fort i was the strong type who cud hold it all together and keep the chin up...proves out im the weakest out of us all....if i can make people hate me like this....what kind of friend do i stand to be? im nothing....

thanks for reading who ever does....my thoughts r with u all